Caring for My Terminally Ill Parents

How I Cared for My Terminally Ill Parents

Both my parents had cancer in the same timespan - and they both passed away within a year of each other. From diagnosis to when they passed in their home, I was their caregiver and provider of all of their needs - from emotional, to physical and medical.

At the time I was caregiver for my parents, my now adult children were under the age of 10, and I experienced being the sandwich generation at the early age of 29. From my experience, I understand how hard it is to take care of your parents, especially when you’re managing doctors, their place of residence, medical bills, and finding the right type of care when they have to leave the hospital. It’s hard to juggle family life when you have your parents to take care of, and this episode will give you a bit of an insight into the challenges I faced taking care of my terminally ill parents over a decade ago.

My mom was especially hard to take care of because she didn’t have an invested interest in taking care of herself. She had a poor diet and lifestyle, which led to her having and not surviving stage 1 breast cancer, even with an early diagnosis. If she had a healthier lifestyle, she would most likely have been able to survive her cancer.

In addition to her poor lifestyle habits, she also implicitly trusted her doctor, even when she showed signs of her cancer returning and her oncologist ignored them. She refused to get a second opinion, and that mistake cost her her life. 

While it was hard to watch her go through these health challenges, since she didn’t have dementia until the last two months of her life, she was making all of her healthcare choices - most of which were not in her favor or benefitted her health. The decision to stay with her same doctor, even though she had many signs that her cancer had returned (and the doctor wouldn’t see her for a new evaluation) had me frustrated and spent, to say the least. Listen in to Season 01 Episode 03 to find out more about how I cared for my mother.

How I Cared for My Terminally Ill Father

When we found out my dad had cancer, he was diagnosed with Stage IV adenocarcinoma. Today, I believe he had Celiac disease that was undiagnosed as this type of cancer is one of the cancers you can get when you don’t eat a gluten free diet. Because we have auto-immune in our family, it’s very probable that he was Celiac and wasn't aware of it. Had he known, he would have changed his diet and would not have had cancer.

Because your small intestine absorbs your nutrients, you can be eating many calories a day, but never absorb any nutrition. In turn, you’re eating and losing a significant amount of weight because you’re not absorbing your food. When my dad was diagnosed, they gave him six months to live. Although he lived for three years, he wasted away slowly as his body wasn’t able to sustain basic functioning and his digestive tract was riddled with disease.

In Season 01 Episode 04, I talk about the overall journey taking care of my father, what we went through, and the challenges I faced when caring for my terminally ill father, including finding a care facility with certified nursing on staff after one of the times he was released from the hospital.

When you have parents that are stubborn or won’t listen to reason, and they are cognizant and able to make decisions, you have to let go emotionally to protect yourself. This is a healthy boundary to have and is essential to know which battles to choose with your parents when you care for them as they age.

I wish I was able to connect with a senior care advisor, like myself, when I was in the midst of caregiver turmoil. I sure could have used the extra assistance and support!

Remember to take care of yourself as a caregiver - take time each week (even if its for an hour) for “me” time so that you can better care for your loved ones!

-Lynn Smargis CSA, CDP

Certified Senior Advisor

Certified Dementia Practioner